Monday, July 05, 2004
hey all
as usuall, i got tons of thoughts runing around in my head and i just need some were to get them out! soo if you can possibly even understand a single word i speek...im wanting somthing that i dont really want! I want the one thing that i despise the most love!.. the thought of never wanting to be apart and spending all your time with the one! even if only lasting for what seems like a single moment! i want it! but i dont cause i know it dosent exist! i guess it goes with the whole saying you want what you cant have! but even when i go through my stages were this thought pops in my head "hey mayby i should give him a chance, maybey i should stop being scared of the ending and look forward to all the sappy cute shit, maybey it will work out" and i do that and i either give up just at the beggining or i tell them not to expect anything, and i dont want something i just want it to go however it goes, but some how i seem to hurt them more i dont know! i just rather stay away from anyone who might want any relationship with me, im just been thinking about a convorsation i had with a good friend talking about his need for always needing to love and be loved and my constant strive to push anything i love or loves away, and im thinking about some one else that i ended it with and thinking how scrued up i am.. and knowing that i scrued everything up and sometimes i wished i hadnt but i know ill just keep doing the same thing! scruing it all up, running back to him, having the heavy burden of his feelings on my shoulders...wondering, i gave it a chance it would have worked then if it was suppose too! i always come to these questions wondering if its really worth never loving or love then the hurt? and wishing i could be like these people! and ill always have 2 views 2 feelings fighting for the final say, and in this issue i have to keep my origanial opinion that love is nothing but a fantasy! and to satisfy my other thoughts of love being true, ill go to sleep to night and ill dream! i guess basically im just worried and this misterious person whom i care for but just cant talk to happens to read this i want you to know what i coulnt call you and tell you, all of this, and im sorry and i love you, but unfortuanlly not enough to risk everything, all my beliefs on somthing that woulnt last some fantasy of mine! well thats all of my mood of wondering wondering and thinking way to much, this is just another one of the many written down thoughts of this issue and theres sure to be more, but i am tired i dint sleep much last night! so i think im going to go fall asleep in a big comfie blanket watching some corny draculla movie!
-crystal-
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