so things are going smoothly atm! ive quite all my lil habits for a while atleast, for a while it seemed like i was going down the wrong rode! and im glad to say i have so many people that love me that will help me of the rode i was on! My sister, my mom, and most of all my best friend PEGGY SUE! my mom suggested that maybey we could start going to church she's so supportive, so for the last two weekends weve been going to church! so maybey i can get back to believing in things ive been questioning for so long! Dont get me wrong the past month was absolutley horrible for me i cryed more then i ever have before, and things kept getting worse, making me want something that im suppose to be quiting badly, but im strong enough and i dont need it! i got through it all and i wont dwell on the past! And im glad to say to add to my new happiness is my wonderfull boyfriend Derik! He's so great and there's so many times he could have just taken advantage of me but he cares enough that he wants me to respect my self! Its amazing cause no guy has ever respected me in that way! And ive know him for 3 years and ive known of him for 6, and he's cared for me since he ment me freshman year but i dont know i wasnt ready, but im glad we dint hook up then cause we might not be together right now! i probl. sound extremly corny right now, but i never get the good guy, i never make the right choice and i havent been happy for a long time so i think its my turn to brag! lol! he's going to windfern next year and graduating early! which i want to do but this summer when i move out ill probl. be moving in with peggy and lisa i dont think would allow me to go to windfern! and i could move in w/ jess. but i dont think that would be fear to peggy! and besides we might be in with her dad, he lives next to dallas! which im not sure how that's going to go cause i dont really want to leave derick but we'll just see how things go, he loves traveling too, so maybey we will just go travel together, or move to cali! im so unsure of what im doing and i have so little time i leave a lil after june 3rd! its seems so far away but its going to go by so fast! well thats enough of my babbles for now!!
Im glad i have a best friend to tell me just exactly how i act, someone that wont lie to me when im being a whore, or anything, you name it, shell say the truth and nothing but the truth! but i keep running through my head, trying to figure it out! when did i become such a horrible person....why did i? and why couldnt i relize how i was acting untell someone wrote it out in bold letters for me!?! Who the hell is this!!! i wont lie and tell you im this inncocent down to earth person(derik why would you think im still like that ive changed why do you care about this person i am now?) do you want theTRUTH?you want to know everything about me right? the words that describe me...whore,bitch, anorexic, stupid, failer,dissapointment, ugly, hypocrit,pothead,peel popper, nasty,depressed, heart broken, in lust,angry, prejudice,liar, tease,fake!FOR GODSAKE WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT WHAT I AM NOW????im overrated, overused and ashamed! 2 yrs ago i would have hated who i am now, i probl. would have said that i should be shot! and i should be! God i dont belong here! i need out of this town, a place no one knows who i am, a new beggining, but life isnt that easy I have 7 months before i leave! and untell then im stuck!I think I finally need someone to take care of me to watch over me! And i'd love a man in my life to hold me and tell me its alright but i have peggy and she's better then any man could ever be she's my best friend and im happy i atleast have her to push me to keep going and to change back to the caring person i was!I WILL CHANGE AND BETTER MYSELF! I WILL! I WILL!No more giving up!
Havent written in a while, soo what a better time then now since everything's a issue atm.....so if you had read my journal at them beginning (which most probl. havent) i had written quite a few things in here about a guy called endrew, a friend was trying to hook me up with him but at that time i dint want a relationship, so we talked for a while but he still wanted somthing more and the whole idea was kinda scary (not in a bad just that i wasnt rdy) so i ended it when things started getting serious! well last thursday endrew called and i dint reconize the name at first when i looked at it but it looked familar and sunday i finally put 2 and 2 together and relized it was endrew so i called back.....and it was a bit weird but at least we got things out in the open seems he's been blaming him self for the sudden diconnection of us talking (he wasnt all like omg im gonna kill myselfhe was just kinda like "dude i fucked up, i know i did somthing wrong it my fault" type of thought everyonce in a while) so i guess now he knows it was totally my fault so yah...and i told him staright up im talking with kody now...and im not going to ditch kody just cause im ready for a relationship and endrew happens to come back around! truthfully i miss talking to him, we could talk for hours and it never really got boring! plus we talked everyday! and most the night!(kinda became an isane habit) but me and kody are talking now and just cause kody isnt exactly idealistic for me, i cant give up, that's my biggest probl. is i always give up! kody's a great guy and for some reason i like him alot with out knowing exactly why! so yeah! And just to add to the week Derik wrote me a letter telling me just how much he cares for me and he's liked me for a long time but it always seemed like the wrong time, and it really sucks cause i love derik ive known him since freshman yr. and im unable to tell him that i have someone, i need to just tell him and get it over with but im so scared of his reaction (he can be a huge dick if he's mad at you, and im just one of the very few few people that have never pissed him off, and i dont want that to change) hmm.....what else could be added to this week oh yah my former kinda friend w/ more benifits then friends, David, called me this week and i assume want's to try to hook back up with me or get some ass (which aint happening) cause he had been trying to get me to come over! Fuck that shit!!
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